So I was having a few laughs with some other gamers about city guards in Swords & Sorcery campaigns. We agreed that well-done city guards should be the opposite of helpful in every possible way! I am running a game in the City-State of the World Emperor right now, and I think about this kind of thing a lot.
In the spirit of Lankhmar, the CSIO and Melan's The Nocturnal Table, here is a list of assholish city guard behaviours to make your ne'er-do-well player characters' lives difficult.
EDIT - After Prince's comment, I've added some more entries to the table.
Enjoy the new 36-entry version!
Roll for individual guards or an entire group (or just the guard you're talking to).
For best fun, roll 2 or 3 times and combine!
City Guard Traits Table (d66):
11 - Lazy: doesn't want to lift a finger, no matter how serious the situation
12 - Mean: gets angry if spoken to without proper "respect"
13 - Greedy: loves to get bribed, makes up bullshit fees, skims off the top
14 - Upstanding: reacts negatively to a bribe attempt
15 - Inquisitive: follows up on everything, suspects everyone
16 - Party animal: looking for a drink, smoke or skirt
21 - Shady: trying to hide activities from the higher-ups & witnesses
22 - Vain: trying to look good, impress the populace, get chicks
23 - Slovenly: unshaven, ill-fitting armour, helmet askew, may trip on own boots
24 - Unwashed: scent is oppressive enough, stands very close
25 - Cowardly & Vicious: takes easy chance for cruelty, avoids any challenge
26 - Superstitious: fears magic, recent convert to weird cult, or keeps lucky charm
31 - Zealot: believes Overlord/local priest/etc is best possible ruler, enforces happily
32 - Axe to grind: vs. particular race, class, religion, or everyone
33 - Bent: running own schemes, has contraband to buy & sell
34 - Drunk: raucous fun, maudlin despair, or sullen & violent
35 - Disbelieving: assumes citizens are liars, believes opposite of what is said
36 - Ultraviolence: Sanpaku eyes, ready for bloodbath at slightest provocation
41 - The good guard routine: easygoing & friendly, trying to extract information
42 - The bad guard routine: loves to beat on the citizenry, fights dirty
43 - Shit rolls downhill: blames nearest bystander for anything that goes wrong
44 - Shit rolls uphill: everything reported to the district commander
45 - Filling quotas: collects tolls & taxes, sliding scale based on seeming wealth
46 - Press-ganging: eyeing likely candidates for the Overlord's salt mines
51 - The boss is watching: strict & by-the-book, the more obscure the laws the better
52 - Entrapment: pretending to be on the take, ready to arrest anyone who takes bait
53 - In it for the pension: will not face even slight danger, makes any excuse
54 - On break: all the privileges, none of the responsibilities
55 - High alert: vigilant, notices any subtle/suspicious goings-on
56 - Informant: works for Overlord's secret police, rats out everyone
61 - Doing the job for once: asks all passersby difficult questions, needs answers now
62 - On the payroll: looks other way for local thieving, reports new operators to guild
63 - Judge Dredd: inhumanly Lawful, pursues even minor infractions unto death
64 - Private Pyle: pudgy dim-bulb would love a donut right now
65 - Fit a description: vaguely likes PC for crime that just happened across town
66 - Jam-up: new orders, crackdown on PC's next plan or favourite business
There you have it folks, a good old-fashioned random table that you can use in your home game today. Based on a blog comment section collaboration in the high & ancient style, no less!!! Who says the scene is dead?
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